This piece of narration is truly personal. It’s based on the most cruel experience of all I had so far in my life. I only feel like sharing it because there are people out there who might not realize that they are going through the same challenging life lesson I once learnt but who need to find the answers to their questions so that they could change the course of their life for good. 

My name is Olena and I am a narcissistic abuse survivor. Being a victim of a delusional person felt like living on the edge of anxiety and fear at the same time but having no clue what were the reasons for such a nervous wrecking state of my mind. 

So, it happened 10 years ago. I was heartbroken. My childish boyfriend dumped me over the phone without providing any obvious reason. Three years of my life were thrown into the trash. My self-confidence was seriously shaken up and needed an immediate fix. In a few months life provided me with one. Little that I knew how obnoxious will it eventually become…

A narcissist D. was absolutely charming: like a knight in a shining armor he swept me off my feet and created a fairy tale around me. I was treated like a princess. It seemed too good to be true ( that’s because it was a finely staged action): tons of attention, admiration, showering me with affection and vows of endless love after just a few dates. At the time I had no idea it was a red flag #1: relationship which is moving too fast. Be aware: the person who has just met you know very little about you to be bathing you in “love” and compliments. It’s the first hook they will try to catch you on. Don’t give them a chance to make you their prey. Run away before it gets too late!

The 2nd red flag I missed was isolation. He bombarded me with constant communication so that I had no time or interest in any other activities I was previously into: I declined a couple job offers because he had to always have me by his side and disliked me having interactions with other people. If he saw “a like” or a comment from a male friend on my social network page, he would harass that person to the point that I lost almost all my acquaintances.  People told me he was “nuts” but I was already in his deadly paws. His destructive behavior indicated the red flag #3: no respect for personal boundaries.

His jealousy and possessiveness were out of this world. He always checked my email and browsing history to make sure I am not cheating on him or doing something fishy. The narcissist D. explained that his behavior is simply a consequence of his previous painful relationship experience with women. According to his words, they lied, cheated and treated him so badly that I felt obliged to prove him I was the woman he could trust 100%. I felt genuine pity for his “heart wounds” so I missed out on three more big fat red flags: extreme control, jealousy and possessiveness.

Another great mistake of mine was trusting a delusional personality of the man who lied about himself from the very beginning. My good piece of advice: always pay attention to details. At first he told me he was an ESL teacher but later it turned out he made up his resume from top to bottom and never taught anything in his life before he immigrated to Ukraine. 

Another shocking truth was revealed after I got pregnant: he was a former alcoholic and a drug addict. This revelation got me seriously thinking about breaking up the relationship with a person who I shared nothing in common but I didn’t. On the opposite, I felt even more empathy for his tough childhood, abusive father who raped him at the age of 4 and always busy mother who didn’t give him enough warmth and attention. As a pitiful Ukrainian woman, I wanted to give his as much happiness as I possibly could. And that’s was the time I didn’t recognize the red flag # 7: addictions. 

Out of all the miseries I went through, gaslighting was, probably, the worst. After a few years of living together I felt like my boyfriend has changed. I was no longer the center of his universe, he didn’t want to spend time with me, he became distant. So one night I logged into his social network account and saw a conversation with one of his female students. I was speechless when I read the exact same flirting phrases he used 2 years ago to win me over. A case of a cheating boyfriend was obvious but, somehow, he managed to convince me I was overreacting, “seeing things that weren’t there”, etc. It was the beginning of an end. The red flag#8: victim’s inability to trust his/her own judgment, questioning his/her sanity.

The list of red flags can go on and on. I named the most obvious ones. 

I hope my true story will help someone to open their eyes on a dysfunctional relationship he or she might be in and break free from any type of abuse once and for all. 

P.S. I feel blessed to have escaped from the cage I happened to find myself in. It took me some time to rebuild my life and start trusting people again. The good thing I have always agreed with the German philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche who said: “That which does not kill us makes us stronger”. It truly does!

P.S.S. The e-cards I inserted in my article were all created by me not long after the breakup with a narcissist monster. I was quite emotional and used certain curse words. Pardon my French 🤓