I am a people pleaser in recovery.
I guess this behavioral pattern was implanted into my brain back in childhood. Like many girls, I was brought up as a good person who helps others, knows how to put herself in someone else’s shoes, and makes sure she doesn’t hurt anyone’s feelings.
And what about her feelings? Hmmm…
I used to serve as a “free resource” for many people. They didn’t even have to ask me. I was there for them because that was the only right thing to do, and they would like me for sure. Or so I believed at the time.
The thought of someone not liking me was scary 😱
The awakening would only come when I realized that there was no reciprocation of my care, attention, and support from them. I would give and give and give only to feel drained and frustrated, turning into a dried-up empty well.
People usually treat us the way we allow them, don’t you agree?
Being empathetic is truly exhausting. Having high moral standards for yourself and others leads to anger when you discover that those unrealistic expectations brewed nothing but perfectionism and rigidity, which makes you constantly wonder why you were never quite at a destination in your life where you thought you must have been at a certain age, with a particular social status, or after an eye-opening experience.
“There is always room for perfection” is a dangerous motto for people like me, who take it too seriously.
The paradox of people pleasing is that while others might find you an easy person to deal with, this type of behavior may eventually cause burnout, depression, anxiety, emotional overeating, and other problems.
If you encounter similar issues, you must be able to stand your ground, voice your opinion, and allow conflicts to naturally happen, as they are the shovels helping to dig out problems buried deep to eventually solve them.
People-pleasing is the opposite of self-love and self-care.
Here in the US, I often feel that, consciously or unconsciously, people expect people-pleasing behavior from others.
A few days ago, I went to a new dental office, where I did not receive the medical treatment I was expecting. While I was waiting for the dentist, who was 45 minutes late, a medical assistant came over and asked me if I was feeling well. You should have seen her eyes when I said that, in fact, I wasn’t feeling well due to certain premature manipulations and explained the situation. The nurse felt so uncomfortable, she couldn’t wait to leave the room. I understand why she was surprised. She expected a “Sure, I am feeling well” response. All other responses were automatically considered rude. I, on the other hand, think that my reaction was the only possible way I could have expressed my medical concerns (they turned out to be legitimate).
Would you be honest or hide your concerns, not to complain and start a conflict?
To sum up my long emotional tirade, you can be a kind person and still:
- Say no
- Prioritize your needs
- Set boundaries
- Disagree with people
- Be honest
- Challenge poor behavior
- Walk away from toxic environments
- Make mistakes
- Stand up for yourself
- Protect your time and space
When you say ‘yes’ to others, make sure you do not say ‘no’ to yourself.
P.S. World Mental Health Day is celebrated on October 10th. The theme for 2024 is “It is Time to Prioritize Mental Health in the Workplace.”
#mentalhealth, #peoplepleaser, #workplace, #putyourselffirst, #sayno, #mentalhealthawareness
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