Where do I begin to write about the highs and lows of these 500 war days?
How to describe indescribable feelings of shock, despair and anger covering you from head to toes like a tsunami wave?
You try breathing some air in but the weight of water pulls you down to the bottom.
I will never forget how I found out that the war started. My then ESL student texted in the group chat saying “ it has started” and sent us a photo of the map of Ukraine with arrows pointing to the direction where russians attacked my country.
I texted my mom and my cousin. I felt like I was going crazy. The level of anxiety and tension I was having scared me to death. Meanwhile, death was crawling and spreading its cold arms over Ukraine and its civilians.
March 2022 is the worst time of my life. I begged my mom and my grandmas to go to the US ( although it was close to impossible then), go to the west of Ukraine where it was safer, or just flee to Poland as refugees. They declined each of those options.
My closest people stayed in Kyiv, repeatedly telling me, “It is OUR home, it is OUR land. We will not go anywhere”.
Accepting the fact that I am helpless to change their minds or keep them safe was a challenge.
Another challenge was to realize how much work each and every Ukrainian had to do to convince others to sign a petition, donate to the Armed Forces of Ukraine, or simply hear us out.
I lost lots of contacts simply because I looked for empathy and understanding, but often was given irritation, indifference, a few times, even accusations and pure rudeness.
My communication approach was wrong. It was too emotional, too aggressive, but it was the best one I could come up with in those turbulent times. I would do it all differently now, having a better understanding of the “westerners” mindset.
I went into therapy and finally faced my fears, my illusions, my false expectations of others who ( what a surprise! ) do not feel like me, cannot relate to the pain I am going through and don’t owe me a thing. Now I can transform my anger at the enemy into donations to Ukraine, my frustration into writing a post like this one.
People are quite adaptable to life circumstances.
My mom has adapted to sleeping a few hours during the daytime, so that she can stay awake and alert when russians shoot another set of drones, missiles and other war crime tools on Kyiv at night;
I have adapted to quickly checking the Telegram channels and warning her if there is a danger via text or call.
We are all traumatized by war. Someone copes better, someone copes worse.
I lost my friend in March 2023. He was kind, generous, easygoing and young. His two daughters and a son lost their father. I didn’t cry when I found out because it felt unreal. I am crying now. It turns out that as soon as you write these words, they become “alive”. He died as a hero. But all I can imagine is his happy smiling face. So sad. Death is all around us.
Every Ukrainian has lost someone close.
No matter how hard it feels, the world has to know only one sure thing-Ukraine will never surrender because this war is an existential threat to our nation whom the enemy has been trying to erase from the surface of the planet Earth for centuries now.
This battle defines our future. It defines the lives of millions of Ukrainians for generations to come. We are fighting for our kids to BE.
I could go on and on. I have many stories to tell.
The next one will be about Ukraine’s victory in this bloody war.
It will be the best day of my life.
To be continued…
#ukrainewillwin, #ukrainewillresist, #russiaisaterroriststate, #russianwarcrimes, #standwithukraine
Ukrainian in Philly 